be times where we are not sure where we are heading. Then we just want to go back to rekindle the past. Then I feel that, sometimes should really treasure what I am having now. Whatever that I feel sometimes may be very much worse, but I feel really thankful to have these bunch of friends, my dear family and my dear you. 

Past few days or weeks have been hell because of school. Been managing school almost by sleeping with few short hours and heading back to classes with panda eyes. What’s worse is everybody is going through the same and it’s hard to say ‘i need rest’ and ‘no’ to my group mates additional workload given to me. 

That’s why I fainted in school, fell off an escalator. So crazy, I know. I just felt, wow, I really need to be more responsible for myself, my health and etc. It dawned on me that family is still the best because they are the ones who rushed down within minutes to catch you when you fall, or when you are at your lowest. 

I really hate blood test, x-ray etc. Feeling back pain and all, but I’m thankful to be alive. 

So I know I have a list of things to do, but I shall slowly and surely complete them one by one now.. 

Time, you are so precious. 

P.s// feels good to be back in your arms again. sometimes i should stop over think and just appreciate you and the little things you do for me.

of my monday morning. I am starting to inculcate a new daily habit of drinking milk and exercising in the morning. The beginning is always very dreadful but whenever I am doing it, it reminds me of dear. He’s the one who suggested both healthy habits. 

He suggested

• Exercise by doing 15 pushups
• Drink a cup of milk as breakfast

Both are things that I hardly do. I used to love exercising but as I find myself not gaining any significant weight, I stop exercising. I think exercising should be done regularly, not to lose weight but to keep fit. I always skip my most important meal; breakfast. Very similar to dad, we do not take milk or cheese products (close to all diary products except chocolate). However, dear suggested drinking milk. It reminds me so much of how dad used to bring me a cup of chocolate milk in the night time so that I can go to bed comfortably. I love that feeling. I don’t really like drinking soft drinks especially not at home. Water is like my only source of liquid consumption at home. When dear suggested, I was not really very keen to follow suit. (I don’t have the habit of eating breakfast~)

Yet, one day, he finally set his mind to buy a tin of milk powder for me. Truthfully, I am very touched. He is more meticulous than me when it comes to this. :) To appreciate this, I shall be a sweeter girlfriend by be more understanding towards him whenever I can. I feel that NS is a good process for a couple to experience because we never know how to cherish our time as much as now. I am glad I have chosen to go through with him in this. 

So here I am, in the morning,

I had a good hot shower, boiled the water for my cup of warm milk, and completed my 15 pushups (the cracking sounds on my wrists are heard, not even joking!).

Monday blues seems to fade away because..

of a healthy state of mind (i guess…?).

P.s//Positivity keep going! 

Today, I am feeling a little sad. 

I am thankful to have this space, so that I can share my thoughts. There are times where I really need such a space to vent it out.

This morning I am feeling really sad. It’s an uncontrollable feeling, that dawned on me. The huge wave of sadness overwhelmed me from the moment I woke up. It’s a sunday, but it doesn’t feel like the sunday I used to love.

Feeling lost and cranky, I looked up on youtube for inspiring video. I found this ‘dementia’ video. Watching the video made me bawl my eyes out in my room, silently. 

” To popo, you have always been there for me when I am young. You are always there to buy me my favorite food, candies, dresses and etc. You used to bring me to shopping mall alone to buy clothes. Those were one of the best memories. Remember there was once you had a fall and you were admitted to hospital when I was in USA. When I heard about the news, I cried in my apartment because I felt so horrible not to be beside you. When you started to have dementia, it didn’t appear as fearful as it is now. I am very scared of losing you. Surely, I know deep inside you must be also feeling lost. However, you are always so cheerful. I know this is part and parcel of life, but I just want you to remember I love you. “

” To gong gong, you are like the man of the house. You speak with dignity and you teach me how to treat everybody equally. Everyone in my generation has stereotyped that being a Chinese can be disgraceful especially when you are linked to the nation, China. However, you always tell me to be prideful of being a Chinese, as that is where our ancestors were from. Despite your frequent quarrels with popo, you always will display your dedication to her and understanding towards her in your own ways. I will always be proud of my chinese name because you named it and you taught me about it in blk 425. “

Both my grandparents are growing older as I am growing up. 

I will work hard: for money for time for love for them. 

I need to talk to someone but i really don’t feel like talking to anybody about this. I don’t know if I will express myself in a way that hurt my love unnecessarily. 

“Everyday is special, don’t have to wait till its v-day” as I said to someone before. I don’t want only one day to express myself fully in a year. 

Every other year, I hope that when the day V-day comes, I will want to spend it with someone special. And I’ve found that someone special. So glad we spent our day together.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been wrecking my head to buy dear’s gifts. Apparently, his birthday and valentine day fall too closely. I want to earn my money to buy him gift, but I simply do not have the time or the opportunity to. 

I want to work, but that means less time for him. I figured, if I do so, he may be upset with me so I didn’t insist working part time. 

So I began to take more notice of what he likes all this while just so I will buy something he needs. A shirt… he has a closet of it. A pair of shoes… he already bought his favorite in his cny…A wallet… I would want to buy the best for him but I have not earned my money yet. A belt seems like a perfect idea. 

I took time off to search for his gift. As I have no clues about brands, I searched high and low just want to buy something that he may like. Luckily I did not choose Picard / Goldlion, trust me, I almost chose them cos the designs were nice. Later on, I attempted to find out more about this brand from him using the excuse of buying ‘dad’s gift’, he said the brands were for uncles. (LOL, lucky I was wise) In the end, I chose urban stranger, which is quite a cool Hong Kong brand. A reversible belt.

Then again, I used my break time to rush to MBS to try to buy his birthday gift. French Connection, Tommy Hilfiger etc.. There’s nothing that he will like. I wanted to buy him a bag so that he could use it for his school this year…

I realize how minimal I could do for him when it comes to buying a gift. I can’t even get the gift he wants with my own money. 

So I guess the best that I can express myself is through handmaking cards. 

On Valentine’s day, I was late. I wanted to dress up well but he prefers that I wear tight fitting clothes. My closet, needs a revamp! I shouldn’t be late cos he had stayed up till 3am to attempt making roses (but failed LOL). He brought me to eat Marriott’s buffet. I’m so surprised but feeling touched at the same time. I love watching him, I realize. 

My attempt to figure out what he likes again failed badly. I tried to lure him to departmental stores to pick his likes but in the end, I gave myself away. He found out that I was buying his gift and sigh. There goes … my surprise. 

There’s nothing else he wants except the time I can spend with him. That is really sweet but I just feel really low-spirited for not able to buy him a gift that can make him feel special. 

I really want to take photos that look like heart shaped picture with him but he is really reluctant about taking pictures in the public. How I wish he doesn’t mind.. I quietened down cos I feel really sad. 

It’s a V-day, and I’ve hoped to spend it with him with balloon and rose. I guess he has forgotten. I cannot deny the disappointment I get but I should learn to be understanding. 

Sorry dear for the silence on train. I feel so childish for being quiet. I wish you have just hugged me and told me how you feel.

I know it’s not enough to express myself my feelings for you.

I just want the best for you, dear.

Happy Valentine’s day.

and happy new year everybody.

Life’s been pretty good I must say. Holidays are almost coming to an end. 2012 had been one of my favorite years because i had received more than i had given. 

2012

January-March

The three months spent in Electric Umbrella in Disney has been really really fun for me. Met a lot of new friends from all over the world. One of the few greatest friends I had there were Meng Yu, Susan, Matt and etc. Started traveling with friends too, by taking leave, to Bahamas by boarding on the cruise. Really experienced a lot. Up till then, sometimes, I still felt that I should have taken more opportunities to travel with friends.

March-April

Disney journey finally came to a stop. I cried so hard because I had to leave my favorite friends in Disney World (Epcot). Remember bawling my eyes out, crying into arms of my american friends, tearing quietly at the fries counter because i just couldn’t bear leaving the place where I made so much memories. Very soon, we had our Disney graduation and we left for our New York City journey. Wow, such an amazing sight. I really appreciate my primary school friend chu wei for always giving me a listening ear as well as my other classmates like el, paul, jeff and etc. Feeling thankful, and thankful. Remember myself running to MOMA just to buy more Yoshitomo Nara artworks, watching broadway shows, walking around Central Park and etc. Gosh, I really miss it. I miss the freedom. 

Then came traveling with my favorite aunt, Ah Ngo Yi. She’s an amazing role model who taught me a lot. It was also through our adventures together, I realized age was catching up. I really hope someone wonderful will take care of her. We had so many adventures together, trekking, hiking, climbing rocks to taste the Yosemite waterfalls, had outdoors Shin Ramen with the wild boars at large, visiting San Diego, Hollywood, San Francisco, Las Vegas and etc. 

I couldn’t ask for more, for that whole month of traveling with aunt. 

April

Finally came home, and really felt so great. Coming home to my familiar room that had been my favorite space at home, having friends embracing me at the airport, returning to school for CSCC FOC.. oh yeah, and meeting someone whom I never thought I would find it hard to part away.. chubby boy wong. 

I guess sometimes you just gotta jump at chances which you really quite not sure if he’s the one just yet. He’s an amazing guy who really captures my attention when we first spent our time together as friends, when he drove me to the supper with another senior josh. I couldn’t quite say how, but really it’s not just him making the move. It’s quite puzzling why I would buy the book from Urban Outfitters for him back in USA, but i think without it, he would not have initiated texting me and interaction would not have continued..

May

Finally graduation arrived and I’m officially out of SP. I can’t quite say how excited I was to receive my diploma where dad watched me go up the stage. I swore I almost wobbled and tripped over my heels.. close shave. Been in SP for three years had been one of my greatest journey in life. I was so inspired, motivated and also experienced the dejected moments but I survived. I love my friends for been so supportive and my cca mates who made me realize that I could learn so much from them. On top of that, I started traveling again, to genting, to thailand and to seoul in the holidays. It’s always with family but Seoul was special as I met up with my cca mates. I love Seoul because I know how to travel around by my own. Love the night talks with marcus, junchai, glenda and etc because they were such lovely people. And of course, my memorable memories also included chubby boy’s sweet words written on twitter. I could really feel his feelings for me, but i wasn’t sure of mine yet. 

June

It’s a little give and take, surprises here and there, mutual feelings that were shown and hidden where we eventually got together on the last day of this month. I struggled a lot in making that decision because I just … need to be convinced. I am not as brave but I won’t elaborate on the reasons. However, I know I won’t make the same mistakes I made years ago. Of course, I didn’t regret because without those ‘mistakes’, i wouldn’t meet chubby boy either. It’s my favorite day of the month already because I felt like the most blissful girl on earth. He made my little fantasy come true, with the balloons and of course i wouldn’t expect the blazer and the board. In any case, ultimately it still boils down to because it’s him, that’s why we finally held hands. 

July - August

School finally started in August for me, and I began to go for my school orientation, camps and such. There were a lot of hype and excitement for me. I met a lot of new friends, things that I enjoyed and things that I had nightmares of, but it was still great. As I grew older, I began to realize I am getting lazier to make a lot of new friends because not everyone stays. However, some are really that precious that I have kept in contact unconditionally. 

August - December 

Hell, school hell. All the projects, school work and admin stuffs stressed me out. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. I must admit, I find a difficulty in balancing work, love, family and my life. It’s like sometimes feel so lost. Yet, so thankful that I have received a lot of love from everybody around me. I also went for a sinus operation which made my heart almost fall out because I was too scared. Then I had a series of nightmares coming from nowhere, but actually they were just nightmares of over thinking. Then I finally ended my examination for term 1, thank god it’s over. Holidays came, and I went back for Aspiration. Awww, so heartfelt really. Time to time, chubby boy and I had challenges to overcome but we still faced it together. Made last minute plans and flew to Taipei for 8 days to celebrate xmas there. I remember there were plans to celebrate with chubby boy but couldn’t bear to disappoint mum and sis about overseas plans. I believe understanding chubby boy would understand because there will be so many years ahead to celebrate together. By saying this, I really mean it to grow old with chubby boy. However, this silly chubby boy fell ill and I was so worried. Cried at hospital, threw tantrums at the silly boy and really I just felt that I need to be more understanding towards him. Finally knocked some senses when I realized how important he is to me. Previously, he has showered so much love on me, and it’s time I shower him more this time. Had spent my new year eve bringing family to watch Jackie Chan’s last action-packed movie before going over to chubby boy’s place to countdown with him and his family. 

Happy NEW YEAR 2013,

please shower me with more love, more wisdom, more health and etc. 

please also shower those you showered on me to my loved ones. :)

School’s starting (as much as i dread it, I will do my best).